


Yeah, I Got Boy Problems

by Daiako (Achrya)



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Awkward Boners, Biting, Body Horror, But Omegaverse, Confusion, M/M, Marking, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Pining, Post-Canon, Puberty, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Scenting, Sexual Confusion, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-11-13 08:10:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18028019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Achrya/pseuds/Daiako
Summary: Diego had a problem. Well, a lot of problems, most of which involved time travel and deaging back to his awkward teenage self (he regretted every time he’d fondly looked back on being a teen and not having to pay for his own meals or rent or do his own fucking laundry so strongly. He’d been wrong, being seventeen again was the actual worst), but aside from that shit. He had a problem. Problems, really, if one considered Klaus and Ben distinct and separate issues, but that just made it more overwhelming so Diego was doing his best to keep it compartmentalized as one thing with lots of facets.After jumping back in time, and trying to reset their messed up lives, the Hargreeves find that some changes have unforseen consequences and that they're a little more left of normal than they ever suspected.Or Diego suspects time traveling has made him a incestuous gay cannibal and isn't sure how to cope with that.





	1. Gay Incestual Cannibal Urges

**Author's Note:**

> An experiment, of sorts. I write a lot of omegaverse, you might even say it's my niche in fandom, and so I'm trying it out here, so see how I feel about it. But, for extra fun, omegaverse where no one knows they're trapped in an omegaverse fic and so things become very odd as they try to process all that...stuff. Eventual Diego/Klaus/Ben, with some background Allison/Vanya and Allison/Luther (but not Vanya/Luther). Five is there, but 13 and thus mostly avoiding this nonsense.

Diego was very pointedly not watching Ben and Klaus warm up for training when he caught Allison’s scent. 

Which was to say he was watching, very intently, trying not to, failing, trying to pretend he wasn’t watching, probably failing at that too, and thinking grumpily that they were both being completely ridiculous for no good reason. One of them had gotten into yoga and drawn the other into it and now they seemed to get a kick out of showing off how flexible they were in increasingly stupid ways. At the moment this involved them both lifted up into a bridge pose with Ben’s modified by putting his feet on Klaus’ knees to elevate his body higher. Before that had been stacked planks, for lack of a better term.    

Diego didn’t understand the point of it all, or know when they’d gotten so comfortable with each other that they were in near constant contact, always side by side, heads tilted towards each other, talking in half sentences and vague gestures only the other understood. He didn’t know why he cared so much, why watching them made his skin feel hot and tight and made a sickly churning start low in his gut, didn’t know when he’d started watching them all the time, didn’t know why his eyes lingered on them now, taking in the sheen of sweat on bare arms and Ben’s legs, the way it slicked their hair to their heads and faces, the flex of their muscled bodies (Klaus not yet withered by the stuff he put his body through when they were older), the stretch of their necks and-

It was a relief when his nose alerted him to Allison’s presence, and pulled him out of his latest staredown.

The thick, almost oppressive smell of flowers proceeded Allison’s arrival to the basement. It came a sharp, almost noxious perfumey taste that filled his mouth and settled grossly on his tongue and had the back of his throat convulsing around the need to gag. He stuck out his tongue in disgust, drawing a flat look from Five as the other teen walked past him. Diego stuck out his tongue again, grinning when Five rolled his eyes, somehow communicating ‘Ugh, children’ without a single word. 

“Ugh,” Allison said as she drifted behind him on her way to where Vanya was doing warm up stretches. “Does being a teenager again really mean you’re giving up on adult hygiene? Should I start looking forward to you being a walking cloud of Axe spray?” 

“Fucking-” Diego started then stopped, eyes darting over to where Klaus and Ben were snickering. They both clammed up, faces the picture of innocence as they once again busied themselves with their stretches; he twisted back around to glare up at Allison. “What are you talking about, I just showered.”

Her nose wrinkled. “You smell. Again.”  

Diego’s face warmed; he and Allison had gone over this a few times in the past month, mostly in the form of her bluntly telling him he smelled bad as part of her ‘caring sister duty’ thing that she was all about these days, especially where Vanya was concerned. It seemed like no matter how much time he spent in the shower, or which soap he used Allison was some degree of disgusted by his smell. Vanya had also haltingly admitted maybe he wasn’t smelling so great lately, a blow to his ego if ever there was one, and while no one else had said anything else yet he wasn’t sure if that was a new politeness thing or if the girls just had more sensitive noses or-

It didn’t matter. The point was it was more than a little embarrassing. He was way past oblivious teenage grunginess, no matter the state and age of his body, and was past tired of Allison ragging on him. Weren’t they supposed to not be pricks to each other anymore? What was the point of jumping back and pulling a big old reset if they were still going to be giant assholes all the time? 

He knew that wasn’t true at all, this time was nothing like the first time. They talked, now, did things together, stood up for each other against their father, and they made sure Vanya was always included. There had been a shockingly anti-climactic confrontation with Hargreeves about her powers, and her not taking those pills anymore, that had ended with the man blinking once, saying ‘I suppose Vanya is old enough to control herself now’ and then involving her in their training like she’d always been meant to be there. He hadn’t even asked how they knew about Vanya or the medication, or where Five had come from and why he was all of thirteen. 

It had actually been disappointing how much of a non-event everything had turned out to be, after causing the apocalypse and everything. Was this, them coming together like they actually cared about each other, all it would have taken the first time around to avoid all the bad this? Ben dying, splintering apart like they did, Vanya’s issues, all the death and...everything? 

So everything was different, better, but also. Fuck Allison. Dealing with teenager shit was hard enough without her getting on his case. 

“Yeah well, you smell like you poured a bottle of perfume on your head.” He snapped, turning his back to her. She huffed and stomped away, more like the teenager she was pretending to be then the thirty year old Diego knew she was. 

Not that he was much better. He had noticed that the longer they were like this the more they became...well, like this. Sometimes, right when he was waking up or was dead tired at the end of the day, he even forgot that he wasn’t really seventeen. 

“I’m not even wearing perfume.” Allison grumbled. 

Vanya’s voice was quiet but firm, none of the hesitation Diego had always associated with her. She had, since she’d woken up in the past and accepted they didn’t want to hurt her and weren’t mad, settled and become...more. Just more. “I like the way you smell Allison.” 

Allison giggled, whispered something Diego couldn’t make out that made Vanya laugh with her. Diego’s ears burned in spite of knowing, mentally, that they likely weren’t talking about him at all. That wasn’t Allison’s style, or Vanya’s for that matter, and they were all trying to be more upfront and honest and there was no reason to assume otherwise. Yet his stomach churned and he found himself wanting to try to overhear like...like a teenager who lacked in self-confidence. Like he’d been a decade ago, before he’d learned to care less and just do what he felt was right no matter what others thought. He tried to shrug it off, to push away the nagging doubts because he’d conquered this, had become more or less kind of comfortable with who he was (Number Two with the stutter his father sighed and scolded him about, lackluster power compared to the others, police academy drop out, forever late when it came to protecting the people he cared about-) and was too old for this shit. 

Knowing that didn’t seem to stop it from happening, sadly. 

“Pair off.” Their father announced, striding into the room, Luther at his heels. Diego didn’t know how Luther could stand to still be the man’s lackey with all they knew but, then, Luther had never understood much of anything about his brother. “Hand to hand today, no powers.” 

All eyes turned to Luther, who huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “What? I can control my strength.” 

Hargreeves didn’t even spare Luther a glance. “Number One will be demonstrating and overseeing, with me for now, though there would be some merit to all of you attempting to take down a much stronger opponent. After lunch, perhaps. For now we’re working on disarming tactics. Grab guns from the weapons case, three of you.” 

A clap of his hands and they were moving; Klaus and Ben and Vanya and Allison were already in pairs so Diego ambled over to Five, only slightly disconcerted at the way his smaller brother grinned with far too many teeth and sharp eyes up at him. This was probably fine, right? Sure, Five was some kind of crazy contract killer who other contract killers admired (Diego didn’t even know how to cope with or process that, so he just wasn’t) but at the moment he was thirteenish, small, and wasn’t supposed to be using his powers so Diego, who wasn’t that far from the size he’d be as an adult and well trained himself, could probably take him. 

Things started well enough. Basic moves, going back and forth to strip the gun from each other, Diego occasionally using greater wingspan to keep Five away, much to his brother’s open irritation, take suggestion and adding more complex things to accommodate for different positions and situations. They started sweating, the room heating up as they moved and worked, breathing harder at they struggled over the weapon (was this a real gun? It looked real and had the right weight. He’d never thought about the weapons they used when he was a kid, lacking the real world understanding to know it was weird to put actual weapons in the hands of teenagers, but now he found himself weighing it, eyeing, frowning.) and each exchange took longer and longer. 

He didn’t know why they were still doing this shit and not telling Hargreeves to go fuck himself, or maybe do them all a favor and die a few years early. They’d talked about it right after their jump, had agreed to keep things as close to the same as possible except for their relationships and getting Vanya included in things, but in hindsight he didn’t know why they’d decided that. It felt...pointless. Stupid. Yet here they all were, playing along with all the same idiotic rules as before. 

His mind started to wander, taken out of the moment some, and his body went to almost autopilot. He’d learned all this before, learned more even, and he knew how Five moved and acted; parrying and moving with him happened automatically, like a reflex.  

His mind, and eyes, traveled to where they always did lately: Ben and Klaus, breathing hard, bodies clashing together a few feet away, sweat dripping down their bodies to patter against the mats, slipped through by their bare feet. Diego’s nose twitched, burned, with a smell like...baking cookies, browning sugar and melting chocolate, sweetness and bone deep, tongue melting warmth and heart fluttering  _ something. _ His eyes darted over to them, back to five, over to them again, zeroed in unbidden on the curves of their necks, beads of sweat creeping over flushed skin.  

Diego had a problem. Well, a lot of problems, most of which involved time travel and deaging back to his awkward teenage self (he regretted every time he’d fondly looked back on being a teen and not having to pay for his own meals or rent or do his own fucking laundry so strongly. He’d been wrong, being seventeen again was the actual worst), but aside from that shit. He had a problem. Problems, really, if one considered Klaus and Ben distinct and separate issues, but that just made it more overwhelming so Diego was doing his best to keep it compartmentalized as one thing with lots of facets. It was a tiny bit easier that way. 

Which took the issue from ‘maybe it would have better to stay 30 and be crushed by moon rocks or however that would have went’ to ‘I wish I was old enough to drink and block all of this out until alcohol poisoning set in’ level. 

So. 

Easier. 

The problem was that he kept staring at them. Kept smelling something that he thought was them, but couldn’t be them, and made his mouth water and gums itch, left him licking his tingling lips and teeth as he breathed them in. Kept wanting to reach out, fingers twitching and muscles in his arm straining with the effort to not make contact when all he wanted to do was touch them, feel their skin, the heat that was coming off of their bodies in times like this, to press his mouth against them and have that scent on his tongue. 

Kept having this strange, incomprehensible desire to...well. Eat them? Or something like that. He looked at their necks and his mouth tingled, sang, as drool pooled under his tongue and his blood warmed. Without fail a feeling like being hungry, like when he saw Mom’s freshly baked bread cooling on the counter, bubbled up in him. And it was strong, demanding, dizzying, and so obviously and disturbingly focused on his brothers. 

It got worse during training, the smell they put off becoming stronger and his preoccupation became harder to manage. The hunger boiled, clawed at his insides, howled at him. He was starving even when he’d recently eaten. 

Did time travel turn a person into a cannibal? Because he was pretty sure he was turning into a cannibal. A kind of gay, kind of incesual cannibal. 

His body was a temple that wanted human sacrifices, apparently. 

He didn’t know what to do about it. He’d considered talking to Five, as the resident expert, about it but couldn’t bring himself to do so. Five would, without a doubt, give him one of those ‘what the fuck is wrong with you why am I here i can’t do this i need a drink you all drive me to drink’ looks he was so good at, and Diego wasn’t sure not giving into to flesh eating urges was worth Five’s long suffering sighs and lecturing. He’d also considered, very briefly, going to their father or Pogo or even Mom but, well, he wasn’t exactly ready to trust them with anything personal or concerning just yet. They weren’t even in on the whole time travel thing, let alone what Five had called ‘Temporal personality displacement (or maybe melding, we’ll see how it goes)’ to explain why they were here and their proper younger selves not, so Diego couldn’t very well ask if any of them thought wanting to eat Ben and Klaus was related to that. 

He’d decided, late one night while dealing with the strangest boner while thinking about sniffing Klaus, that he was just going to take this to his grave. As long as he didn’t act on the weirdness it was fine, and best left forever unspoken of. 

Forever. 

“For fucks sake.” Five hissed. Small hands grabbed Diego’s shoulders, yanked him down as Five hopped up, a leg hooked around his neck and-

And then the world tilted, rushed up past him as the floor came barreling towards his face. 

Oww. 

Fuck. 

Diego, very much face first on the ground and unsure how he got there, groaned. Five, perched on his back like the evil little shithead he was, pressed the barrel of the gun Diego had been holding to the back of his head. “Pay attention.” 

“Fuck you.” 

Five rolled away with a scoffed “I’m not self loathing enough to be your type.”

Diego decided, for his own sanity, to ignore the pointed way Five looked towards Klaus and Ben as he rolled to his feet.  

“I think,” Hargreeves announced. “That this is a good time to break for some more intellectual pursuits. Clean up, and stop in with Grace to take your vitamins.” 

Not fucking likely. Diego was positive none of them were taking the weird cocktail of ‘vitamins’ their father insisted they take this time around. Once upon a time he’d taken them, and gotten bi-yearly ‘nutrition’ shots, without complaint or thought but this time around he had no intention of doing so. Who the fuck knew what was actually in those pills, considering what Hargreeves had been doing to Vanya, and with the way he fed them (carefully planned for maximum health and growth, with minimal thought to taste) there was no way they were lacking in nutrition. 

Diego was sure the old man knew they were all palming and flushing the pills but so far he hadn’t said anything about it, so neither were any of them. 

“You need help up?” Ben asked. Diego turned his head to squint up at his brother, dripping sweat and bending low over him. Diego watched his throat bob around a swallow, full lips quirk up into an amused smile, and dark eyes shine with humor. Sweat dropped down onto Diego’s face. He breathed in then, face burning, threw an arm over his head. 

“I’m fine! Leave me alone.” 

“Ah. ...okay.” Ben mumbled. Diego listened to his footsteps retreat, the low rumble of his and Klaus voices, and then the sounds of everyone else moving around and cleaning up. Diego let out an annoyed breath and bit down on his tongue, willing his very ill timed erection to go down. 

Stupid fucking confused teenage body. 

\---

“They’re still not taking the suppressants.” Pogo said, glancing up from the monitors he was watching over. “And I doubt they’ll submit themselves to the shots next month.” 

Hargreeves rocked back on his heels and hummed thoughtfully before nodding. “No, I’m sure they won’t. Unfortunate, a few more treatments and we would have suppressed that...unfortunate quirk completely.” 

“Perhaps,” Pogo said delicately. “You should tell them the truth.” 

The man peered down at him over his sharp nose. “No, I think not. I’d rather observe, for a time, and see where this takes us. Unless it becomes a distraction in their training or missions, of course.” 

“Of course.” Pogo sighed. 


	2. That's the Human in Me

“Here you are Diego,” Mom said, breaking him from his brooding thoughts. He blinked back to awareness, acutely aware that the rest of his siblings were already gone from the small sitting room outside of the infirmary where they were handed their meds and occasionally patched up when a mission went a little sideways. She looked the same as always, hair carefully curled, make up done, white blouse pressed to crisp perfection, and wide skirt flowing around her ankles, the soft smile Diego swore he only saw directed at him on her face.

Once upon a time this sort of scene would have been a comfort to his frayed nerves. Even when they’d first come back and the knowledge that she’d hidden things from them, and would continue to do so because it was just how she was built, hadn’t stopped him from bursting into shameful tears when she’d popped up in the courtyard, alive and functioning well. Breaking down like that, in front of his stunned siblings and a frowning Hargreeves, sobbing so hard he hadn’t been able to breathe or squeak out words without his stutter coming back in full force (though was it really coming back? He hadn’t quite mastered it at seventeen and he still didn’t understand how much having adult memories affected him.) but there hadn’t been anything for it. It was just...sometimes when he closed his eyes he saw her, waving from the window as the mansion came down, smiling serenely and seemingly uncaring that destruction was seconds away, and his heart squeezed in his chest and bile rose up the back of his throat and-

He’d been helpless. He hadn’t even been able to dig her body out of the rubble before they had to run for it. He’d been as useless to save her as he had been to save Patch, too far away when he was needed most, and it _Hurt_.

But it was different now, or would be. He could keep Grace safe, make sure Hargreeves didn’t let her run down, make sure they didn’t blunder down the same path. And Patch...well, he could stay away from her. It’s what he should have done to begin with, honestly. They weren’t the sort of people who could do good for others, and nothing but pain and fucked up shit had followed them from the moment they were born. The proof was written all over the future they’d left: Allison’s family, Patch, Vanya’s murdering shitfuck of a boyfriend, Klaus’ guy back in the past-Diego didn’t know the full story on that one but it seemed pretty obvious it hadn’t ended with a white picket fence and a puppy to come home to, and Klaus had come back fucked up in new and exciting ways.

They just weren’t made to have a place among normal people. The seven of them would be doing the world a favor if they just stayed here, insulated and isolated, and didn’t let whatever they were infect anymore else. He’d always sort of thought that, had looked out onto people who weren’t family and known he wasn’t the same, that he didn’t and couldn’t fit, but now-

The best way to save the world was to not be part of it.  

“Diego?” Mom’s mouth turned down into one of her rare frowns, face creasing in concern. She bent down so they were face to face and touched his shoulder, head tilting to the side. “Is something wrong?”

He blinked again then offered up a smile he didn’t feel. “‘M fine.”

She nodded and, with a gentle squeeze to his shoulder, straightened up. She held out her other hand, a small paper cup of water and another smaller cup with a collection of pills fit in her cupped palm. “Vitamin time then. Your brothers and sisters have already taken thiers and gone to get cleaned up for lunch.”

Diego took it all, eyes falling to the small white cup and the pills instead. He shook it, watching the capsules and tablets rattle around. He’d seen it many times before, in his first life and since jumping into the past, but he’d never really looked. Before he’d just swallowed them without much thought, happy enough to follow his father’s training and nutrition regime, and lately he just slipped them up the sleeve of his horrendous tracksuit (seriously, everytime he wondered about Klaus’ fashion sense he just looked back on how they’d been forced to dress as kids and it all made sense.) but now he peered at them curiously.

There was a single white oval tablet, smooth and marked only by a tiny stylized A, three slightly larger blue round bisected tablets with little Bs on them, and two capsules with a sickly green jelly looking something inside. He wrinkled his nose at the capsules in particular; that didn’t look natural or right. Had he really been swallowing that shit without so much as a twinge of concern when he’d been a kid?    

It looked like something one of those zombies they’d had to take on some often as kids had thrown up.

Fuck, for all he knew that was exactly what it was. Who knew where Reginald Hargreeves was concerned? If he’d thought it would make them stronger, or whatever his end goal had been, he probably would have fed or injected them with nuclear waste without a twinge of regret.

Or fed them to each other.

Maybe that’s what was going on? Hargreeves was somehow controlling him and making him want to eat his brothers as part of his latest messed up experiment.

Then again maybe not. Diego had never been one of the ‘Special’ ones who got taken down into the basement for ‘Extra Training’ like Klaus and Ben (And Vanya, as it turned out.), hadn’t been worthy of their father’s time back then. Not Diego, with his ‘situational telekinesis’ and near useless breath holding power, who’d tried so hard to fall in line and make his father see him as more than second best, who never disobeyed or questioned until the day Luther brought back what little remained of Ben’s body.

But the Klaus, who didn’t push himself and hated his abilities, and Ben who got sick and cried everytime he suited up past the age of thirteen, they had been Special. More pills, more shots, more time, more training.

Diego smiled bitterly, slimey squirming in his stomach growing in intensity as he let himself remember how jealous he’d been of all of them. He’d been deemed to have reached his peak early, after Hargreeves decided he’d never be good for anything but throwing knives, but he’d wanted more.

“What’s in these anyway?”

Grace stared at him, unblinking for an uncomfortable amount of time. Her pupils darted back and forth and her lips parted slightly as if she were deep in thought, before she pursed her lips and touched a finger to one. “What’s in them?”

He squinted up at her, trying to decide if she was about to dodge his question, didn’t understand it, or just genuinely trying to figure out why he wanted to know. The others would point to the first two options as the only ones that made sense, because to them Grace wouldn’t genuinely want to know or understand anything, but even now Diego didn’t, couldn’t, believe that.   

“What are they for?”

“To make you grow up big and strong of course.” She said lightly, turning away with a swish of her skirt. Diego sighed; he should have expected that. “They provide various supplements that you’d be unable to get from food. Hormone suppressing and boosting to get your unique physiology closer to that of pure humans, and a blocker meant to control your libidos by turning most of the sex hormones into something more beneficial. They’ve shown great results with making you all need less sleep and reducing the rate your bodies feel fatigue.”

Diego dropped his water from suddenly numb fingers. It splashed against his leg, soaked through the fabric of his pants, but he didn’t feel it. He didn’t register Grace’s cluck and scolding ‘Oh no!’ as she whipped out a towel from who even knew where and crouched low to begin trying to soak up the water he’d spilled. His brain, his senses, were elsewhere, caught up in a whirlwind of memory and questions.

He didn’t know where to start or stop or what to settle on first.

Various supplements they couldn’t get even with the tasteless regimented meals Hargreeves had they eating? Diego watched his diet closely, obsessively even, and it still wasn’t as insane as what their father was shoving in their faces, with the daily cookie and exactly 60 grams of homemade ice cream they got before bed every other day aside.

It was, more often than not, the only thing he’d had to look forward to.

A blocker to control their...libidos?

Closer to Pure Humans?  

“You should change now.” Mom declared, patting his shoulder again. “You don’t want to make everyone else wait too long for you at lunch.”

“Right.” He said blankly. He stood up mechanically, a puppet with strings being jerked by someone else, and shuffled away, leaving Mom behind, whistling cheerfully as she wiped the already dried section of floor again and again. He headed for their rooms, mind still distractingly empty of any thoughts except from the echo of Mom’s voice, repeating her words again and again. It pounded in his head, in his ears, drowned out everything else until it was all there was.

That and a voice that sounded a lot like Klaus chanting ‘What the fuck what the fuck What The Fuck’ in the back of his mind. He related to it, intimately, because...what the fuck?

Since when had his inner voice of panic and confusion started sounding like Klaus of all people?

“Oh, Diego, good, you can finally take a shower for real.” Allison was at his side, already back in her usual uniform, damp curls pulled back and twisted up into a bun at the top of her head. She still smelled heavily of too much perfume, floral and almost chemical, but not as bad as while they were training; he no longer felt the urge to recoil. Or maybe he was just too occupied to care.

He turned his head, blinked at her then looked around; he was already back on their floor, nearly to his room. When had that happened? He didn’t even remember leaving the room let alone coming all this way.

“...Diego? Are you okay?” Allison asked, brow creasing as she leaned closer. “Hey, what happened? You look like someone just told you they won’t be making ugly leather fetish harnesses in the future.”

He snorted in spite of himself and, when she flashed him a toothy shit-eating grin, shoved her lightly. She laughed, sharp and ringing out loudly in the hallway, and nudged him back. From the corner of his eye Diego saw Luther, of course, stick his head out of his bedroom. Their brother looked between the two of them, stupidly readable face reflecting just enough unhappiness that Diego was tempted to roll his eyes. He returned his focus to Allison.

“Get everyone together and come to my room. We need to talk. Privately.”

All traces of humor left her face instantly. “Okay.”

It didn’t take long before everyone was piling in, Vanya bringing up the rear and shutting the door behind her. Klaus and Ben beelined right for Diego’s bed, ignoring his offended huff, Luther found a spot on the windowsill, looking far too big and awkward on the tiny ledge, Five popped up onto his dresser and folded his legs underneath his body. Vanya stayed by the door, hands clasped behind her back and head tilted forward in a way that made her hair fall over her face even as she looked around his room like she’d never seen it before.

Which was...wait. Had she ever really been in his room before?

There was that slimy squirming in his stomach again, quietly reminding him that he’d been a terrible brother and massive shithead, and Vanya probably should have slit all their throats and been done with them.

Diego moved over towards the dresser, as far from the bed and the disgustingly mouthwatering mingled smell of his brothers. Good to see not even disturbing information could keep him dick from twitching to life and his gums from itching as that familiar famished feeling swept over and took hold of him.

Being a cannibal was so annoying.  

Allison tilted her head back, crossed her arms over her chest, and called out “I heard a rumor all the cameras and recording junk in here failed.”

Diego tried not to feel too creeped out by the way parts of his walls and furnitures sparked and hissed. A chill ran up his spine but he ignored it, nodding his thanks to Allison as she drifted over to the door to stand next to Vanya. She smiled her movie star smile, big and beaming with just a hint of teeth that never reached her eyes no matter how many posters he’d seen it on.

“So,” Five asked, looking utterly bored. “What’s up?”

“...I think? We aren’t human? Mom said those pills are to make us more like ‘p-pu-pure humans’.” Diego said slowly, feeling out the words and tasting them on his tongue, bitter and strange as he worked his mouth around them. There was moment of silence, stunned looks exchanged, then-

“Well that’s a given.” Five scoffed. “Isn’t it? Normal humans can’t warp reality or jump through time and space or use their stomach as a portal to...whatever transdimensional weirdness is going on with Ben’s internal organs.”

“Uhh. What?” Luther offered dully. “No? I mean...what?”

“...Really?” Five cocked his head to the side. “You thought we were human? I’d decided on alien hybrids by the time I was twenty but I guess I had a lot of time to think about it, and actually have thoughts about things like 'where did we come from' and 'what makes a bunch of unrelated woman give birth to literal freaks of nature' but I shouldn't expect that from the rest of you.” He shrugged, dismissive in his special shitty way. “Does it really matter? Can’t you have an existential crisis about your origins privately, or does it require my presence? Should I start making cocoa and holding your hands while you grapple with your humanity?”

Diego rolled his eyes. Sometimes he wanted to ask what Five’s damage was but that would have been insensitive and Diego was working very hard to become a more sensitive and attentive brother. Mostly by sneaking out at night and taking out his frustration on unsuspecting criminals and the like, so he could then in turn not be taken over by the persistent urge to punch Luther in his mouth or stab him repeatedly.

It was extremely cathartic.

Extremely.

“Did you know Dad is giving us pills to control our libidos too.”

“What?” Came from all directions except, of course, Five’s. He just blinked at Diego. “You did? And weren’t going to say anything?”

“You aren’t taking them anymore so...no.” Five drawled. “What’s the point in sharing pointless information? I have more important things to worry about, like the merging of timelines and personalities and-”

“What do you mean control our libidos?” Klaus interrupted.

Five groaned, an expression of pure suffering crossing his face. “Exactly what it sounds like. Those pills, I’m not sure which ones but I’m leaning towards the capsules, kept our sex drives low chemically, among other things. I figured it out a few weeks after jumping into the future when things got...weird.”

“But.” Ben started then, when all eyes turned to him, stopped. He blushed darkly and, shrank away, half hiding behind Klaus.

“But?” Allison prompted, expression unreadable but Ben just shook his head and slunk down further, as out of sight as he could get himself.

“But...we aren’t...we still...uhh.” Luther looked everywhere but at Allison, hand on the back of his neck and rubbing anxiously. “Have? Urges?”

“But not as strong as we could.” Five flipped a hand in Luther’s direction. “Trust me, your bi-monthly boner is nothing compared to how things could be.”

Luther went cherry red. Klaus leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and eyebrows raised. “Wait, is that why Big bro-”

“We’re the same age Klaus.”

“Didn’t get any action until after dad died? Were you still taking Daddy’s vitamins until then?” Luther crossed his arms over his chest, pressed his mouth into a thin line, set his jaw, and very pointedly looked out the window. Klaus cackled, looking absolutely thrilled. “Wow! That’s...really disturbing and invasive, but also amazing. And explains why you two-”

“That’s enough.” Allison shouted, drowning out whatever else Klaus was going to say. Diego was grateful for it, not wanting to so much as think about what Allison and Luther had, or hadn’t, done once upon a time. “It’s...fine. We all got out of here and did...things. So not taking the pills should be fine.”

Five snorted but, when Allison fixed a dark look on him, raised his hands up in submission. “I didn’t say anything.”   

She clucked her tongue but, with a toss of her head, looked away from Ben. “We just keep doing what we’re doing, until we figure out what to do next. Don’t worry about what weird stuff Father was up to.”

“And being aliens, probably.” Klaus added. “Don’t worry about that either, even if it probably would make for a great pick up line.”

Allison faltered visibly then nodded once, resolutely. “Or that. So-”

“Shouldn’t I be-” Luther said, standing up straighter.

“Children!” Grace’s shout made them all jump then turn towards the shut door as one. “Lunch! Your father is waiting.”

“Goody, awkward family meal after finding out the old man was killing all your incest boners for years. Fun.” Five hopped off the dresser and was gone, slipping into nothingness, before his feet hit the floor.

Vanya coughed then, quietly: “When he says it like that it kind of makes sense? Incest is really bad PR.”

Allison nudged her with her shoulder, mouth curving upwards just a little then, with an exaggerated sigh, tossed an arm around their sister’s neck and wrenched open the door. They trooped out together, voices hushed whispers Diego couldn’t put words to, and a soft giggle that he realized with a start was Vanya’s. Luther was quick to follow, that same troubled look he’d been wearing when he’d seen Diego in the hall with Allison on his face.

“Who else has an incest boner?” Ben asked. Klaus giggled.

Diego darted out into the hall and jogged after Luther, putting as much space between him, his other brothers, and that question as he could.

**Author's Note:**

> Diego is actually a bisexual cannibal, but he's mostly feeling the gay incestual feels right now so that's what he's focused on.


End file.
